When Did I Get Here?
Depression is like a cancer, it starts small, unnoticeable, unworthy of attention. Then, it grows… slowly but surely, and with just enough alone time with your thoughts, it consumes you. By the time you figure it out, you’ve already got a cloud hanging over your head like Eeyore did. By the time you figure it out you’ve already lost people you didn’t even know were gone. This further plummets your life into a dark hole with the light so far away you’re thinking to yourself, not how but when did I get here?
My depression isn’t clinically proven but I feel it. Deep within me, in the quiet of the night and now many times in the hustle and bustle of my busy life. I am there in the middle of a sunny beautiful day and all my head does is scream at me about my past mistakes and the people I’ve hurt along the way.
The words of those I’ve disappointed continue to haunt me. They never rest. They never get tired. They wait, they wait patiently for the silence in my head. Before I realise it, I’m back in that dark hole again wondering, when did I get here?
But I guess it’s my fault, I let it consume me. I saw the signs and I didn’t stop it. How could I? It persists me. It keeps knocking down the barriers and never goes away. And it only grows with every failure I carry under my belt.
Guilt engulfs me because I have what many can only dream of. Yet, here I am. Feeling sorry for myself. Hating my life. Not feeling wanted. And not wanting help for it. Here I am. And all that I can ask myself is, when did I get here?”
by Kula Gasawai
Our featured Pasifika poet this week is Kula Gasawai. Kula describes her love of writing as a way to help express emotions that she can’t speak, aside from that all her time is for my husband, family and work. Kula adds that all she wants from life is to be the best person she can be. You follow more of Kula's work on her blog ADIKULAA