Lately I've been feeling rather overwhelmed at trying to figure out a balance with everything that is going on in life. You wouldn't guess that from the outset but that's a skill most parents have when it comes to juggling responsibilities. This feeling has morphed into feelings of anxiety whenever I realise that something on my checklist of life hasn't been ticked off and its 10pm at night... cue losing my shit. Yes you guessed it, I'm kind of a total control freak and if anyone within my close knit circle (who am I kidding, I don't even have time to have friends... insert laugh out loud and crying emoji) does not follow this seemingly faultless (read that as fruitless) plan (that's always, surprisingly only known to me) exactly how I want them to, then life ends, my world falls apart and sad hymns are heard from the heavens above. ***Mother of Moses, how many brackets did I just use! I'm sure I've broken a few rules doing that***. Anyway I've come to realise that this feeling that I'm yapping on about is sometimes referred to as mum-guilt, that inadvertent need to overcompensate for your children because ya know, you never had it as a kid so your children must grow up experiencing it otherwise they'll be miserable c*nts like you. This mum-guilt is further perpetuated by society's need to throw how inadequate you are in your face by having a ridiculously high standard of expectation for mums, be it working mums; stay at home mums; single mums, ...basically mums in general. This down in the dumps funk has even affected my creative writing, I found myself starting blog posts and then just staring off into space because I found that because I wasn't acknowledging my own feelings of inadequacy, none of what I would write was honest or true and that made me feel like a fraud trying to be profoundly philosophical about life experiences.
The pressures of being a perfect mum is always there, we tend to brush it off and say oh I'll never be that kind of mum but ultimately we are our own worst enemies with the standards we set for ourselves. It doesn't help that the onslaught of posts and pictures from the numerous social media channels of mums doing it better than you is like a bitter pill to swallow for a mum who's just managing to get through the day without breaking down. My mum-guilt feelings has been further compounded by the fact that we have had to stop home-educating our two older children in favour of my being able to continue with my studies. The constant battle of whether my being selfish and putting my needs before that of my children will affect them later in life is something I grapple with everyday. No one warned me about this parenting malarkey and how bastardly hard it would be. I feel like it should come with a disclaimer when you meet a potential partner - oh yes and if we do decide to have children, they'll tear at every heartstring in your being, make you broke and leave you with an empty nest when they come of age, on top of that you'll have this feeling of inadequacy because there's never a one size fits all, now that we have got that out of the way, shall we shag now or shall we keep that for later?
I remember going through these stages of self-righteousness when I first moved across here to the UK and would say, gosh my parents got this all wrong with me, how terrible was their decision making?! Yep I even tried to lord it over them like the asshole that I am, my Dad and I have numerous hilarious conversations now about it and one thing I'm grateful for is how he's never once said I told you so or thrown my asshole ways back in my face, something I definitely would do with my own children.. because asshole. I feel (a lot of feelings has been felt in this post ha!) like I should end this with a, so for every parent out there feeling the same, know that there is hope, but I'd be lying because life is such that you just roll with the punches and celebrate the small victories. Be it being able to find matching socks or finally tackling that ironing pile that has started to resemble a person in the corner of the room (out of sight, out of mind and all that jazz) or just having the privilege to wake up to another day. I chose the last option for the sake of my sanity.
I'm 34 today and you could say that this is my present to you, some random musings of why I have been a lazy c*nt and not written any blog posts since November ha! Oh yes and a snapshot of my life that doesn't even remotely resemble what the daily reality for an average, everyday mum looks like but like I said, small victories!
Peace and love,
Bella xx